If you were to extrapolate your riding abilities and personality, what type of pro cyclist would you be?

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Obviously, very few of us here are strong enough to be pro cyclists in any capacity, but…

If you were to extrapolate your skills as a cyclist (say, multiply your “powers” by however many times it takes to reach pro level) and your personality type (time for some introspection!), what type of pro cyclist would you be?

Me: My strength on the bike is definitely climbing, but I’m also pretty good at ‘doing the suffer’ and taking long hard pulls. I will never ever win a stop sign sprint against almost anyone in the A ride, but I will pull longer, harder, and more frequently than most, whenever the need is there --always willing and happy to put in the work!
As for my personality, I would hate to be on a team like Jumbo Visma or UAE or Chumma Chuggum or any team with serious GC aspirations --I would not enjoy the pressure to either win myself or to help others win by performing up to expectations and not screwing up the plan for the day.
If I were a pro, I’d want to be The Doomed Breakaway Artist, ala Baptiste Veistroffer in this year’s TdF. I’d try to break away on a very early climb when everyone is still asleep, and then keep cranking along solo for as long as I can before things get serious and I get swallowed up by riders with more substantial aspirations.
No one is expecting me to win the stage or contend for the General Classification. My insane effort will be celebrated by fans for its bravery, insanity, foolhardiness, and entertaining gamesmanship. It will be celebrated by my sponsors for doing what every rider’s real job (not goal, but job) is: Getting the sponsors’ names out there up front on TV.
There is no messing up. There is no failure. There’s only purposeful craziness and the tension of ‘how far can he go before he meets his inevitable daily doom?’
That seems like fun to me.

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2

CX.

Course generally don’t have major climbs, and climbing isn’t my strength. I’m reasonably technical. And I can tolerate horrid conditions.

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Most likely a one-day specialist, somewhat in the mode of Alaphilippe. Definitely better on shorter or punchy climbs, and in bunch sprints. Cold and wet doesn’t faze me, as well as rougher parcours.

4

A shockingly slow one.

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5

Big stretch but Tom Pidcock?

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I imagine myself having a crazy amount of panache and winning opportunistically like Alaphillipe. But realistically, even at 50x my current capability, I am a bottle fetcher for a third tier French team.

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TT: Way fewer idiots trying to crash into you or otherwise initiate trauma. (At the pro level most people should be okay bike handlers, but the hours of exposure are high.)

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I would probably be one of those big lumbering sprinters who got dropped on every climb and only did the first week of grand tours. Sort of like the unholy lovechild of Andre Greipel and Jan Ullrich during the off-season when he ate too much sausage and did no training.

I have a pretty good sprint given my total lack of other abilities, but there’s no way I would make it over the mountians to get near the finish line - I have Ullrich’s level of self-control when it comes to food, drink and structured training. I can do punchy climbs, but I don’t have the engine to be a rouleur. If I did make it to the end of the stage, I would be comically unlucky like Greipel, who always seemed to end up following the wrong wheel (still my favourite sprinter though).